Wednesday, June 23, 2004

"Bill's Beach Diet" - the Details

Several have asked for more information on the Bill's Beach Diet. "John," they say, "All those other diets publish detailed plans directing you on what to eat - and what to avoid. Where is your plan?"

Good question, but perhaps we can re-phrase your question:
Q: Where's the beef?
A: It's on the grill.

You see, the grill, actually any sort of outdoor cooking, is the linchpin of Bill's Beach Diet. But perhaps I should lay out the Bill's Beach Diet week-by-week. Remember, if you are prone to robust fitness and energy, you may want to consult a physician before embarking on Bill's Beach Diet.

Week One
Breakfast #1: Upon awaking, gently get out of bed, stretch, and scratch yourself if necessary. Leave the bedroom and shuffle towards the kitchen, hoping someone has already started the coffee and gone to town for the paper and pastries. The first meal of the day is the most important, you want to get off on the right foot. Start lightly, pour a cup of coffee, grab a goo-filled pastry, and proceed immediately to the couch. Don't overdo it. Just because you slept 9 hours doesn't mean you can't still be tired.

Breakfast #2: After reading the entire paper, it's time to think about moving. Again, you may need to stretch and scratch yourself as you arise from the couch. Amble towards the kitchen to make sure there are no additional goodies to sample. Here you may want to take another pastry - but only half. Be sure to announce to all present that you really shouldn't but you are going to take only half - - if someone else wants some.

Often Breakfast #2 provides an opportunity for the first grilling of the day. Seize the moment when it presents itself. There's nothing better than the smell of Goodman's sausage smoking on the grill at 9:30 a.m. What will the neighbors think? They will probably find some excuse to stop over. Something about using your toilet as their septic tank is full - - again! Don't be fooled.

Lunch: Lunch provides the most options for those on Bill's Beach. Here you may wish to sample any left-overs from the night before. Perhaps you went to Billy's Bar in Vergas and have some left over French-fries or hamburger (at 1/2 pound it's a biggie). Check all Styrofoam containers you find in the fridge.

Be on the lookout for fresh fruit. Perhaps the locals have procured fresh strawberries, raspberries, or blueberries. Don't overlook fresh fruit that's part of a package deal, i.e. the rhubarb dessert. Most of these contain rhubarb (kind of fruit, kind of vegetable - it grows from the ground after all), strawberries or copious amounts of sugar to cut the rhubarb's tartness, and bread products. Almost a meal in itself.

After grazing on left-overs, and sampling the frozen pizza or mac and cheese you had to make for the kids, it's time to say good-bye to lunch.

As you leave the kitchen you may want to consider getting dressed for the day. Either way, whether you are wearing fresh clothes or pj's, the hammock awaits!

Cocktail Hour: Usually someone stops by to visit at some point in the afternoon. Now's the time to bring out the beer, wine, gin-and-tonic, chips, crackers, cheese, nuts, and anything else that's not tied down tight. Cocktail Hour can start anytime from 2:00 p.m. on, and has been known to morph into dinner.

Dinner: Assuming your cocktail guests are still there and the sun is setting, it's time to start the grill - again. You may also want to adjourn inside as the mosquitoes are likely getting pretty fierce. When you arise from the chair (or hammock) be sure to stretch and scratch yourself. Those of you still in your pj's - - might as well keep them on, it will soon be bedtime anyway.

Dinner will consist of some grilled meat, often porkchops, chicken, sometimes hamburger, but always hotdogs and bratwurst - - children need tubular meat by-products after all, and they're great for the grown-ups too.

Dessert: After dinner don't be afraid to hit the fresh fruit again. What goes better on ice cream than freshly picked strawberries or blueberries after all? Have you tried the rhubarb sauce yet? What? You already finished your ice cream. Let me get you a little more, you simply gotta try the rhubarb sauce.

Bed-Time Treat: You probably haven't put the ice-cream back in the freezer after dinner. That's OK, it makes a great bed-time snack. Apply fruit as necessary.

Where has the time gone? It's time to retire for the evening. You don't feel like getting off the couch, and getting ready for bed. Don't worry - remember - you still have your pajamas on! It won't take long to brush your teeth, stretch, and scratch yourself, then collapse into bed.

Good night.

1 comment:

amy said...

OK---reading this after an international flight and taxi ride in LA traffic is making me a bit sick!!! Egads...the reminder of the Bill's Beach diet sure brings back memories...and memories of feeling pretty darn warn out after a weekend up North "getting away from it all". It should come with a warning label!!!!